Wednesday, June 6, 2012


I used to be Type A. Before the age of ten, I had a sophisticated filing system for personal receipts. I filled my journals with inventories of different places in the home--how many tennis rackets in the hall closet, how many CDs in my case, how many bottles of nail polish on my sister's bathroom counter. I ironed my clothes before packing them in a suitcase to go on vacation. I used hair spray to slick down stray hairs in my ponytail. I always measured twice before cutting. I was always in control. Of. Everything.

No, really. In third grade, it was brought to my attention that I didn't know how to type, so what did I do but request a typewriter for my eighth birthday--a typewriter, I insisted, because it seemed intellectual, and being intellectual is everything to Type A. My biggest birthday wish was granted, and I taught myself to type on that dusty, clunky thing.

I felt so in control of myself. If I wanted to improve my grades, I did. If I wanted to pick up singing, I did. If I wanted to graduate high school early, I did. Nothing was impossible...

Well, there were some things, like that time when I could not run a sub-9 minute mile in middle school. It's not even that fast, I know I know I KNOW, and I could not understand for the life of me what the deal was. After my final class of the day, I'd go home and run around the neighborhood until dinnertime. I went to the library and researched running drills. But alas, I could not pass 9 minutes. That killed me, not because I wanted to be a fast runner, but because there was something that was seemingly impossible for me to accomplish, and the thought that I was limited NO MATTER WHAT scared me to tears at the end of each Wednesday when all us students ran around that stupid field in those stupid purple uniforms.

Some time between then and now, I lost my Type A personality. I traded it in for Type X, Y, Z, I don't even know. Let's just say that I do not file my receipts because I typically forget them at the cash register--with my wallet, phone, and purchased item. I don't know how many CDs are in my case because not only are CDs ancient (ha), but I'd be lucky if I was organized enough to keep them all in one central case. I am the frazzled mess that drives the wrong way on one-way streets and doesn't realize it until the ginormous semi barreling towards me lays its horn and shrieks to a halt. The concentration and focus, the assurance I once had about myself has faltered into obnoxious insecurity and paranoia (I claim to be fighting it).

So let's talk about why yesterday I was able to run a mile in fewer than 9 minutes, because while you'd think this event would fill me with delight and a great sense of accomplishment, it only frustrates me to think that I was able to accomplish what I so desperately wanted a decade ago with no effort compared to what I gave back then--and let's not forget that I am probably, like, 30 pounds heavier and I eat cookies for breakfast and maybe perhaps kind of sort of probably totally definitely for lunch and dinner and second dinner.

Why is that?

Why is it that I can look at my old schoolwork, and even though I have not taken a geometry class since high school, my old tests look so much easier now than they did then, even though I invested in tutors and late night study sessions in trying to understand all that junk? (...and that is why I graduated in English.)

What changes? What it all boils down to (and here comes the over analytical, symbolic world view), IS THERE NO RHYME OR REASON TO NAVIGATING THIS UNIVERSE?


  1. Hey Sweet Rachie, I must first make sure I understand what the question is. So... First part of Question: Is there no "rhyme or reason" ...

    To me, what you mean by rhyme or reason is - to figure out

    So, question is really in connection to either

    (Will I ever figure out everything pertaining to what I need to know, being here in reality? Is it pointless to try and figure anything out, here in this reality?)

    And / OR

    (I don't quite know who I am right now, and I'm finally starting to face this, now that I've come out of the structures I built for myself growing up, to make myself feel comfortable. Yet, I'm in such denial because who I feel I'm seeing me be - Insecure, Paranoid, Obnoxious -, is not who I'd accept a few years ago, when I was "Type A". )

    My humble answer being:

    My perspective of what cycle or level your currently going through would most likely be labeled "maturation". Yet you always carried yourself as a mature young lady. Though really, you were a responsible young lady, but still a GIRL.

    Becoming a woman can take on many forms of confusion in the process of seeing who you "have become".

    I personally, don't know of you being insecure, paranoid or obnoxious... but YOU KNOW YOU MORE THAN I or anyone else ever will. And if your honest enough with us to say this about yourself, than your on the path of honesty, which is love, which to me says you love yourself enough to be honest with what you don't like about yourself and want to change for the "better". Whatever you feel that should be.

    I can honestly say I was selfish, rude, inconsiderate, spiteful, angry and a whole long list of crappy things, before I came to the mirror, to see what I was becoming, and had to change before going any further.

    Read my book:

    And you'll probably agree.. LOL

    Just remember one thing, from me, you are forgiven... meaning... you are before given... you were belonging to... before you came to this reality... you already belonged to the spirit of Love, whom is God, before you came here, hence, he sent you here to do as he wants, which is to be a reflection of him. If your looking in the mirror and see dirt on your face, wash it off and move about your day.

    Your a beautiful young lady, blooming into a fabulous woman.

    Let our Lord Jesus be your guide in how to wash that dirt.

    Your sister always,

    Caroline : )

  2. Love your writing. You should write enough so that I don't ever have to read anyone else's writing again.

  3. I understand where you are coming from well on somethings for one can not understand another fully anyways. When I was younger I would try to control everything in my life as well, I tried to be I guess you can say perfect. I wanted to be perfect because I saw how my parents reacted to it, and being a child outta seven (second to the last) you really want that kind of attention. Try as I might though in never really worked out until finally one day I just really didnt give a dam about anyone anymore and what they thought and with out even trying I succeded. Even as an adult now and all the worries that come with it I have now learned to give it to god to worry about and he will take care of it as it should be. And now without even trying just keeping faith all is as it should be with no worries or cares about how this world or universe works for we were never suppose to fully know everything about this world or universe in the first place.

  4. I tried for years to get the splits and then gave up and then one day out of no where I was just able to do the splits on both sides yeah I am with you on this